Before you and your true love say “I do,” it’s important to establish some boundaries with the folks who raised you.
Financial issues and poor communication may be among the most common reasons for divorce, but there’s another big problem that can arise, and it’s a whole lot closer to home. Dealing with parents can—and often will—divide husband and wife. That’s why experts like Kim Bowen, LPC, owner and founder of Richardson-based The Marriage Place, advise couples to figure out mommy and daddy issues—along with every other hot-button concern—from the jump with SYMBIS, a premarital evaluation test. “Unfortunately, when you wait to broach hard subjects until you’re well into a marriage, there’s already a lot of pain and damage that’s happened,” she says. “When you have a detailed assessment of your similarities as well as the areas that could be problematic down the road, you can start communicating, which can save marriages before they even start.”
Conversations about present and future parental involvement in a marriage are especially fraught for a simple reason: We may be comfortable criticizing our moms and dads, but we don’t love it when others—even our soulmates—do it. That’s why Bowen advises learning how to set boundaries respectfully. “You want everyone involved to know what you generally do or don’t want, but you have to be mindful of hurt feelings. Sometimes even the people who love us the most don’t understand what’s important to us until we tell them,” she explains. “But don’t come in with guns blazing in a threatening way. That’s not going to be productive.”
Marriage counselor Kim Bowen details a few parental pitfalls and tactful ways to talk about them before tying the knot:
Money, Money, Money
Finances are always a tricky business, according to Bowen. “I don’t care how wealthy the families are, everyone has expectations around money,” she says. Is one set of parents planning to provide a down payment for the house? Is there a grandparent fund for private school or college? If so, treat family business like any other kind of business and discuss the terms. “You have to ask if the money is a loan or a gift. If it’s a loan, get all the details in writing and have everyone sign it,” she says. “If it’s a gift, discuss what it means to you in terms of expectations. Do you feel it entitles you to something, or will it cause resentment if we treat it like a gift without strings?“
Controlled Access
“When I married my husband, his parents had a key to his condo,” Bowen says. “One day when I came home from work, there they were, sitting in the living room.” If you and your spouse are fine with that kind of an open-door policy, great! Otherwise, the therapist says it’s time to have a kind, respectful conversation about how the rules of engagement need to change. “You don’t have to immediately change the locks,” she advises. “Let your parents know you still love them and want them to be a part of your lives, but it’s time for everyone to figure out how to navigate differently in order to respect newlyweds’ privacy.”
Custody of Christmas (and Other Holidays)
Depending on where the in-laws live and how strongly they feel about upholding holiday traditions, making everyone happy can be a tall order. Bowen says you might have to be creative at first—traveling every other year for Thanksgiving, spending Christmas Eve in one place and Christmas Day at another, or combining families—but no plan has to be permanent. “Once you have kids, you can let them know that you want to make your own family traditions at home, and all are welcome,” she says. “Whatever you decide, with a lot of grace, negotiation, and care, you can achieve a sense of fairness.”